"Effing the ineffable since 1996" Menu
The Interview with God
I dreamed I had an interview with God.
"So you would like to interview me?" God asked.
"If you have the time" I said.
God smiled. "We have until your alarm clock rings.
What questions do you have in mind for me?"
"What surprises you most about humankind?"
"That by worrying about the afterlife,
they throw away their one real life,
sometimes literally by trusting prayer instead of medicine,
or flying a plane into a building full of infidels."
"That with thousands dead from an 'Act of God',
they flock to churches like flies to a bloated corpse."
"That with all their fantastic science,
and libraries full of great literature
they still think glurge like this is profound"
God's hand took mine
and we were silent for a while.
And then I asked...
"As a parent, what are some of life's lessons
you want your children to learn?"
"To learn that to make someone love you,
make them feel guilty for your sacrifices.
and if that doesn't work,
make their life hell."
"To learn to forgive by killing your own son,
but don't forget to blame the Jews."
"To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to kill those you love,
but three days to bring them back."
"To learn that a rich person
is not one who works hard,
but one who knows how to make a buck
off of cheap sentimentality like this."
"To learn that there are people
who say they love you dearly,
but really hope you burn in hell
because you have more sex than they do."
"To learn that two people can
look at the same thing
and see it differently,
but it takes religion
to make that into a long bloody war."
"To learn that it is not enough that they
forgive one another;
they must get a priest to do it."
"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.
"Is there anything else
you would like your children to know?"
God smiled and said,
"Just know that I am ... only a dream."
This is a parody. For the full effect, see the craptastic original