"Effing the ineffable since 1996" Menu
There's a million dollars under your bed! Yes really. Go look; I'll wait.
Huh, that's weird. Did you look really hard? Are you sure? Maybe you should try again, and look really, really hard this time.
Hmmm, did you look under the carpet? Well, you gotta look under the carpet. I know what I said; but under the carpet under the bed is still under the bed.
Nothing? You can't just feel for lumps; it could be in large bills spread out in a thin layer. You've got to pull up the carpet. Hey, with a million dollars you can get a new carpet, right?
I don't think you're putting enough effort into this. You're going to have to tear up the floor too. Of course I'm sure it's there; It says so right here on this old treasure map. Can you prove the map's a forgery? I didn't think so.
Well of course you have to dig: it's buried treasure, isn't it? You always have to dig for buried treasure. Everybody knows that. Are you stupid or something?
Okay mister know-it-all, prove there's no treasure. See, you can't! It's an irrational claim. You'd have to dig all the way to China. You do believe in China don't you? Have you ever seen China? See, everybody believes in things they've never seen, so keep digging.
I had some of the dirt analyzed. There are minute traces of gold. You must be getting close. No, it can't be natural; if gold just occurred naturally we'd all be rich, now wouldn't we.
This guy I know took the dirt sample you sent me, calculated the trace amount of gold per cubic foot, then calculated the total volume of a column of dirt the size of your bed stretching all the way to the other side of the earth, then made some adjustments for increased gold density near the core, and viola! scientific proof that there's a million dollars in gold under your bed! Isn't that great?
You can't stop now, you're so close. What are you so mad about? Look at what great shape you got in from all that digging! Surely that's worth a million dollars right there. I think you really believe that gold is there anyway. Why else would you have dug that hole? I think that you're just afraid that if you keep digging you'll find gold. Why do you hate money so much? Are you some sort of communist?
Okay, that's it, me and some of my friends are going to come over and make you dig. I will not stay out of your bedroom! Your rights? What about my rights? It's totally unfair for you to deny me the right to that gold just because you don't believe it's there. Or rather, claim to not believe it's there: I think you're really just lazy.
Why are you running around telling people there is no gold under your bed? That's just more proof that deep down you really know it's there. If you really didn't believe there was any gold there it would never occur to you to mention it. After all, nobody runs around saying "There's no Santa Claus buried under my bed." You only have to deny the Gold because you know it's true.
You agoldists are such hypocrites. You talk about tolerance and rights, then persecute those of us who just want to be left alone to make you dig under your bed. My congressman is going to hear about this.